Choices
by DILestrudel
Summary: The last week is missing from Tim's memory, and he's willing to do anything to try and forget forgetting, even bring back old habits.


He hadn't done it in three years. Three years, seven months, and 12 days, if he were counting, which he was. Tim could probably remember how many hours it had been since he had last used, if he really thought about it. Jay hadn't been with him when he bought it off of the strung out looking thirtysomething guy behind the gas station. Tim always carried around extra cash, for emergencies, although the amount was less than fifty dollars. He had bought enough for a single hit, willing to pay $30 for it, syringe and needle included. Tim felt like he deserved it. He hadn't told Jay yet, but the last week wasn't all there….. In fact, it was quite gone from his memory entirely. His body was covered in bruises and scrapes that he couldn't explain in a rational way that did not involve his proxy form. He had been running on pure adrenaline for days now, and what he needed to do was calm down. Tim hoped the small baggie in his pants pocket would do the trick.

Pulling into a parking spot several windows away from their actual hotel, Tim turned the car off and sank into the drivers seat for a few moments, feeling exhausted. He hadn't used in so long, and the thought of doing it again nearly made him back out. His using days hadn't been his….brightest times. That was when things had been at their worst, with the visions and seizures. But he had sobered up, started getting help. Things had gotten better. He had started college, kept a stable job and filled his time with it, the drugs and childhood drama absent for such a short time. But then Jay had come into his life and he had unwittingly stumbled back into it all. It was only a matter of time, really, before he put another needle in his arm. Shuddering, Tim let go of the steering wheel, which he had unknowingly been gripping tightly, and got out of the car, a small plastic bag of food in one hand. The only thing left was to get Jay out of the hotel for a while. Tim considered how to do this as he made his way slowly to their hotel room. Taking a few extra moments to walk through the lobby, Tim wandered through the deserted dining room, nonchalantly snagging a metal spoon from one of the tables.

Taking the stairs to the third floor, Tim walked down the deserted hallway until he found their room number. After a few moments of fishing for the room key in his pocket, he found it, and slid it quietly into the door. Pushing it open, Tim glanced around the room for Jay. He was sitting in the desk chair, doing half circles, his toes in the carpet. "Hey." he said quietly, not looking up. Tim followed his line of sight, which was trained on the baseboard on the opposite side of the wall that Jay was apparently zoned out on. "Here." Tim said, tossing him a bag of Cheez-Its from the plastic sack. White Cheddar, of course, because Tim knew they were Jay's favourite. Jay jumped and nearly missed the catch, looking dazed. "Thanks." he said quietly, smirking down at the crackers. "You okay, Jay?" Tim asked, removing the rest of the purchases from the bag and laying them out next to the microwave. "Yeah….I'm just really….tired? Bored?" Jay said, spinning a slow circle in the chair. "Ah…" Tim responded, unsure of what else to say. Already, he was considering ways of getting Jay out of the hotel. Jay did not respond, instead eating his meal in silence. Tim shuffled around the room, feeling almost nervous.

After what felt like, to Tim, an appropriately long wait, he excused himself to the bathroom. Waiting several moments, Tim flushed the toilet, which was absurdly loud, and pulled out his phone. "Hello?" he asked questioningly, in mock conversation. Praying that his ruse of flushing the toilet would cover up his phone not vibrating, Tim exited the bathroom, focused on talking to someone who wasn't really there. Jay looked up at him questioningly. "Thank you." Tim said simply, hoping that he looked convincing as he hung up the phone. "Who was that?" Jay asked, looking concerned. "That pharmacy." Tim replied, making a show of pocketing the cell phone, "My prescription is ready to be picked up." To Tim, the words sounded over rehearsed and flat. Jay didn't seem to notice. "What pharmacy?" he asked, standing up from the swivel chair and brushing his hands off on his pants. "Oh...uh…" Tim stuttered, looking around the room. What pharmacy? Shit. Dozens of names popped into Tim's mind, he had been to quite a few of them. But which one to send Jay to? Giving him the name of the pharmacy that was as far away from their hotel as he could think, Tim held his breath, hoping Jay would not question it. "I didn't know you had any more refills on the pills….?" Jay said, moving to retrieve the car keys, which were where Tim had left them, next to the microwave. "Me neither. But I'm not complaining." Tim said, shrugging, looking at anything but Jay. "I'll get them." Jay said, stating the obvious as he put on his coat. "Thanks…" Tim said, weakly, before adding "Be careful." out of habit. "You too." Jay said, his voice cut off by the closing door. And then Tim was alone in the hotel room.

Kneeling beside his bed, Tim removed the plastic baggy of heroin from his pocket, laying it on the bed. The spoon and lighter followed. Next came the bottle of water, and the small scrap of cotton ball. Numbly, Tim unlaced his left sneaker, and laid it on the bed as well. The sight of all of the items together made him feel like he was going to vomit. It was a simple thing to make, almost impossible to forget. Like riding a bike. Tim bit back that thought. The prepared syringe lay on the bed, its contents warm and amber. Tying the shoestring tightly around his left bicep, Tim lay down on the floor, his cheek pressed against the filthy carpet of the hotel room. Quite suddenly, he was back in his own dingy apartment, laying on the floor in his bedroom, unable to move. That was the day the heroin had stopped shielding him from his nightmares. Locked doors and drug hazes couldn't keep the faceless man out. Why would it this time? If anything, Tim's situation was worse. He couldn't just stop caring anymore. Not with Jay relying on him. Would the heroin stop him from putting the mask on again? Tim doubted it. Resting his head on the mattress top, Tim sighed deeply. What a shock it would have been for Jay to return to the hotel room and find him strung out. His fingers were starting to numb in his left hand, their circulation cut off by the shoe string. After a few moments, Tim removed it, laying it on the floor beside him. Did Jay even know about his previous drug history? He doubted it. Neither of them knew much about the others past that didn't involve Marble Hornets and the events surrounding it directly. Even then, there were still secrets.

Tim stayed that way, kneeling and unmoving, for several minutes. Eventually, he managed to stand. Syringe in hand, Tim made his way to the bathroom, depressing its contents into the sink, watching the running water carry it down the drain. Had he been willing to give up years of sobriety for this just hours ago? Tim removed the needle, placing it inside the syringe itself. For extra measure, he wrapped it in toilet paper, hoping no one would look too closely at their trash. Disposing too, of the used cotton, baggie, and spoon, Tim found himself sitting alone in the silent hotel room. Jay had been gone for a little over half of an hour. He would be back at any point now. Opening the window, Tim allowed the hotel to air out, the last evidence of his attempt defusing with the fresh air. Turning the TV on to a local news channel, Tim sat down on the edge of his bed, allowing himself to care about what tomorrow's weather would be like.

Jay returned just over ten minutes later. "I got there, but they said that you didn't have a prescription ready and-" Tim cut him off, "They called me and apologised for the error." he said, watching Jay's reaction closely. "Oh…." he said quietly, sitting the car keys down and removing his coat. "Thank you for going." Tim said quietly. "No problem!" Jay replied cheerily, sitting down next to Tim on the bed. "What's tomorrow's high going to be?" he asked. "86." Tim replied, turning back to the television. If Jay had noticed the shoelace on the floor, he hadn't said anything about it.


End file.
